Where Do I Begin?

Eighth grade. My friends Amy, Jill, Amy and I think it was Cathy decided we would try getting drunk together for the first time. Somehow we got a hold of four 40's (malt liquor in a large, fat green bottle). We wrapped them in brown paper bags as if we were actually cool. Then we snuck out of Amy's house in the middle of the night and headed for the ravine. We all sat in a circle and they each had a bottle. I am not sure why, but we were one bottle short so we decided to share. But as they were asking me if I wanted some I said no. I remember feeling...stupid? Like I couldn't say yes even though I desperately wanted to join. Herein lies my deeper problem-but we can get to that another time. Anyway, they all proceed to get drunk, very drunk. Then they all started trying to head back up the ravine, only they were all headed opposite directions claiming they were certain it was "this way" back to Amy's house. So that leaves me standing there trying to get them all moving in the same direction. Fun. -Not. We finally made it to the house and quietly make our way back in. We are in her basement and I recall putting something in the dryer-I think it had started to rain so their clothes were wet. I look up from having crouched down do jam the clothes in the dryer and low and behold there is Amy's dad just looking at me not saying a word. He was not happy. I don't remember anything after that until the next morning when all of our moms came to get us. They had all of us in the kitchen in and the moms were all so mad grounding or punishing them. My mom looks at me and says, well I guess you'll need to be punished as well. I said something to the effect of "but it's not fair, I wasn't even drinking!". She said that it didn't matter, that I was still a participant so I was just as guilty. It was that moment that something became hardwired in my head. Like a switch had been flipped. I would NEVER let that happen again. I felt left out, I didn't drink but I STILL got punished?!?! At that moment I set out to make sure the next opportunity I had to drink I was going to do just that. And so it begins my awful relationship with alcohol.